i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize