I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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