Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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