I feel like I'm in dance class right now
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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