Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
