I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
People in love make me want to vomit
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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