I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
