I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We're too hungover to prance.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
