I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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