My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
