i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
