Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize