I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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