Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
