So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
