Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
