You don't have asthma, your pregnant
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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