what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
