my shit smells like andre
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
