So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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