Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
