i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
