one two three fourrrrnication!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
