everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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