Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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