i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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