my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
