oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
