u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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