His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
