even my farts smell like vagina
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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