You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize