i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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