One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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