i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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