Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
