remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
cat food counts as protein by the way
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
