She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
