The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
