Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
