i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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