his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
a search helicopter?!
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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