the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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