I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
