She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I believe in your delicious
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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