i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
