Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
