New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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