By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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