I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize