so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
