mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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