I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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