Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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