I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
