what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
