So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
