U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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