Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
