I can text with my tongue
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize