I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
