my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
