so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
