i don't like sucking hair
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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