i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
