dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
